Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
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