If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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