Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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