two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
