My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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