ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
