So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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