Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
