im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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