I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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