You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize