Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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