just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
