you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
