I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
