Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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