Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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