im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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