I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
