Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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