So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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