She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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