They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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