I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
