I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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