I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
