i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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