Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
