Umm I'm too high to move.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
