Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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