how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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