There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
