sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
