Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
