I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
