Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
