he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
