I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
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She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
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Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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