dude i'm inner monologue high
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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