I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
