I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
