do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
