I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
