I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
