can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
