I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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