Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
