im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
