just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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