Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
