I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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