rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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