Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
